Feelings

You know, I feel pretty good lately. I haven't stopped thinking about my miscarriage, and the hurt hasn't gone away in any way, shape or form. I have come to a realization that I WILL have another child, my next pregnancy WILL be successful, and our family will be complete. That being said, let me just tell ya, I love love LOVE to see Jonas playing with other children and he will be such a good big brother. I am really having trouble with the fact that we have to wait. At least 3 months. That is what my doctor said. He did say that we could try sooner, but as soon as he said that 3 month thing, that is all Todd heard and that is what he is going with. That puts us into August. Which will be nearly impossible to TTC, because Lucas will be here. So that puts us to September. And it won't happen right away, no matter what wish/want/think will happen. Sooo, I guess I am just depressed right now that I can't begin trying now. I am not seeing another pregnancy happening any time soon. And that is a bummer to me tonight.

I made it through Mother's Day!

I actually had a very nice and relaxing MD weekend. I enjoyed myself thoroughly with breakfast in bed Sunday morning and playing with Jonas, Todd and my mom at a park followed by lunch at the Purple Cow with ice cream for dessert.

Nothing to complain about. I am feeling sad, but grateful for what I have.

A day off, and it rains

Story of my life. I really didn't do much today. I started out having a pretty good morning and Jonas and I slept in ( 8 am, baby! ), and took our time getting around to go to daycare - which we call school. I love my daycare! They even have little classes and teach the kids with flashcards and they have a curriculum that they follow. They even have parent/teacher nights so you can conference with the teachers. Love. Them.

I did call my friend, who is pregnant and due in July. She is probably my best friend, and I know she wants to help me through this miscarriage, but I don't think she understands how hard it is right now to see pregnant women. Not just her, but ALL pregnant women. And why is it that they seem to be EVERYWHERE??? I talked to Melissa and we chatted for a few minutes, as she was at the lab doing her 1 hour glucose test. When she got back she gave me a call and I must have had my head in the washer, because I never heard the phone. I decided, upon listening to her message that she was going to be at home cleaning, that I would walk down to her place and deliver some diapers that I had bought for baby #2. That really kind of put me right back down to earth. Here I was giving my best friend the stash of diapers I had bought for my baby. I really needed to get rid of them, though. I was confronted with them every time I opened the closet door in Jonas' room, so I thought I would be okay with giving them away. After all, I am not going to need them for a good long time..if ever. She wasn't home, so I left them on the porch. She was very grateful, but I think she doesn't know what to say/do. No one does, really, and that is okay. Hell, I don't even know what to say to myself.

I do tell myself every single day that I need to get over my self imposed pity party. I do well for a while, and then I crash. Mother's day is coming, and we are spending Saturday with my in-laws and Sunday with my mom. I hope I can keep it together.

Today was not my day

And tomorrow isn't looking good either. I was doing so well yesterday. I was feeling pretty happy and in charge of my feelings. I got so much accomplished at work ( yet I have so much to do still ). I had fun with Jonas and Todd.

I went to work today and saw a friend. I don't know why, but I completely crashed. Burned. I held it together until lunch was over ( Thank you for my birthday lunch, Trudy! ). On the way home I guess I had too much time to think and that was the killer.

Tomorrow I have booked myself solid thinking that I will not have time to think about my miscarriage. In truth, I am already feeling completely and totally overwhelmed by the enormity of the day.

I will take Friday off.

Back to work

After a nice long weekend to recuperate and pull myself together, I went back to work today. I am so far behind in everything that I have to do! I am hoping that my boss will have pity on me and not expect perfection this month. Not that she ever gets anything close to perfection, but hey - I try dammit.

Soooo, Jonas is potty training! He has gotten so very good at telling us when he has to go! He has had so many accident free days that Todd is certainly regretting his choice to give little toy "guys" as we call them for prizes. We have decided to move to the sticker reward system. Get X number of stickers in a day for potty time, and redeem them at the end of the day for a special treat - a guy, a glow stick for bedtime play or a special piece of candy. I have a feeling that we are going to spend the weekend setting up some sort or elaborate poster-board system. I personally think that this is a GREAT idea, as we can transition it into a chore board later in childhood. Right now I am smiling at the thought of dishes being someone else's responsibility. Not necessarily Jonas' responsibility, but not mine either. Do you think Todd would work with the sticker chore board system? I mean, if he got a prize good enough...a new game...a night without nagging...oh, who am I kidding. I can't do that one. I think it is impossible.

Anyway, I have decided that blogging, while boring to my readers, if I have any, is cathartic to me.

A kick to the gut

April 30th was my 33rd birthday. You know what I did on my birthday? I spent it in the ER getting told by a very insensitive doctor that I was no longer pregnant. Wow. That hurt. You would think that if a pregnant woman comes into the ER on her freaking birthday - or ANY day for that matter - you would have some kind of grace to let her down gently.

Here's how it went down: I was having a great birthday and that evening I decided to give Jonas his shower so Todd could get some down time. I went to the bathroom and there was a little spotting on my underwear. No big deal, people spot during pregnancy all the time. You only have to worry if it is bright red. So, I wipe. Bright red. This is not good. I yell for Todd and try the nurse line number that my insurance has. All lines are busy so I pack up and tell Todd to hang with Jonas and I am going to the ER. I get to the ER and the nice admissions lady is having a conversation with her nurse friend and CANNOT see me right away. I am out there in the waiting room hopping up and down trying to relay how important it is that I get in there RIGHT NOW!! Finally she finishes and gives me a look like death. I give her my information and she slaps a bracelet on my wrist and tells me to have a seat and that someone will be with me shortly. I am seen shortly thereafter, and get my information taken by a very kind ( and pregnant) nurse. My blood pressure is sky high. Geez, ya think? Then a doctor comes in and his words to me after he introduced himself. "So, you were pregnant." I say "Were? I hope I still am." And to this he says "Well, I really don't want to get your hopes up." Wow. Just wow. What a great bedside manner. If I hadn't been so worried and shocked by everything that was happening I would have torn into him.

It turns out that I had a blighted ovum, which essentially means that the egg implanted, but there was something wrong genetically and it wouldn't hold. So, I had a miscarriage. Even knowing that the egg never developed into anything just doesn't make this any easier. I feel like my life has been torn apart. Completely. I have never known this kind of emotional pain. I can barely function every day, but I feel like I have to cover it because I can't let Todd know how incapacitated I feel. I know he is hurting, too, and is being the strong one for us. I feel so selfish moping around, so I am giving myself one more day to do this self pity business, and then am going to chin up, and cover up. I can fake it til I feel it, dammit.

A new year and new possibilities

Okay, so it's been ages since I have written anything on here. I fully intend to rectify that with something pity and insightful. Yeah, anytime now. Wait for it...hmmm....

How about I give an update on what is happening with the family? I think the last time I wrote was sometime in August of 08 and now here we are in April 09. Lots of things have happened:

1. My Little Jonas has turned 2. It seems like just yesterday I was getting up every 2 hours in a zombie like haze for feeding and changing!

2. My best friend got pregnant a month after she went off birth control, thus signalling in me a type of baby fever that I have never felt before.

3. Christmas came and went and all was well. In between numbers 1 and 2 on this list, I somehow managed to get a promotion in this horrible job market that put me at a 9 - 5 time slot and a salary position. Not too shabby!

4. New Year's came and went and all was well.

5. Valentine's day came and went and all was well.

6. St. Patrick's day came and went and all was well.

7. Easter came and went and...what the hell? I'm PREGNANT???

That's right! I got a positive pregnancy test on Friday April 10, 2009. I was so excited that I ran out with Melissa and get the required "I'm a big brother" shirt. When Todd got home I said "look at this great shirt I picked up for Jonas today!" He looked at it and said that it was very nice...and then it dawned on him! Great look on his face. I showed him the 2 positive tests I took and he got really quiet and said that until the doctor confirms it he didn't want to tell anyone. I was in shock! I mean, we were going to see the ENTIRE family that weekend and he didn't want to TELL ANYONE???? REALLY????

So, I went along with it because we were pretty sure a while back that I was pregnant and it turned out to be not so true, and he was crushed. Absolutely crushed. I understood his need to wait. So, meanwhile, we go to visit family and I did another test with a much MUCH darker line and showed him. This was convincing enough to have him tell his family right then and there. I told my family Easter Sunday. Everyone was shocked! No one even knew we were trying.

So, fast forward a few weeks. I am now 5 weeks pregnant and feeling great! Doctor's office is supposed to be calling at any moment to schedule the first ultrasound and I just can't wait! I would love if they would schedule it for the 30th - which will be my 33rd birthday. What better present than hearing the beating of my new baby's heart?