April 30th was my 33rd birthday. You know what I did on my birthday? I spent it in the ER getting told by a very insensitive doctor that I was no longer pregnant. Wow. That hurt. You would think that if a pregnant woman comes into the ER on her freaking birthday - or ANY day for that matter - you would have some kind of grace to let her down gently.
Here's how it went down: I was having a great birthday and that evening I decided to give Jonas his shower so Todd could get some down time. I went to the bathroom and there was a little spotting on my underwear. No big deal, people spot during pregnancy all the time. You only have to worry if it is bright red. So, I wipe. Bright red. This is not good. I yell for Todd and try the nurse line number that my insurance has. All lines are busy so I pack up and tell Todd to hang with Jonas and I am going to the ER. I get to the ER and the nice admissions lady is having a conversation with her nurse friend and CANNOT see me right away. I am out there in the waiting room hopping up and down trying to relay how important it is that I get in there RIGHT NOW!! Finally she finishes and gives me a look like death. I give her my information and she slaps a bracelet on my wrist and tells me to have a seat and that someone will be with me shortly. I am seen shortly thereafter, and get my information taken by a very kind ( and pregnant) nurse. My blood pressure is sky high. Geez, ya think? Then a doctor comes in and his words to me after he introduced himself. "So, you were pregnant." I say "Were? I hope I still am." And to this he says "Well, I really don't want to get your hopes up." Wow. Just wow. What a great bedside manner. If I hadn't been so worried and shocked by everything that was happening I would have torn into him.
It turns out that I had a blighted ovum, which essentially means that the egg implanted, but there was something wrong genetically and it wouldn't hold. So, I had a miscarriage. Even knowing that the egg never developed into anything just doesn't make this any easier. I feel like my life has been torn apart. Completely. I have never known this kind of emotional pain. I can barely function every day, but I feel like I have to cover it because I can't let Todd know how incapacitated I feel. I know he is hurting, too, and is being the strong one for us. I feel so selfish moping around, so I am giving myself one more day to do this self pity business, and then am going to chin up, and cover up. I can fake it til I feel it, dammit.
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