Here we go again!

Okay, so. Let me just say that I know it has been forever since I have posted a blog. Lots has blog. A ton of stuff has happened and I am going to give you the Cliff's Notes version and fill in the gaps later. Yeah...I am long winded, so hang on!

Since the last post was about waiting 3 months to try for baby #2...I have to say that we waited our 3 months and promptly came up pregnant in October! My due date was for July 4,2010 and all went perfectly with this pregnancy. Little Soren Jasper was born 6/26/10 at 8lb 4oz with a full dark head of hair. He is at this writing one day shy of 8 months old and has been nothing but a fantastic joy. He is just so pleasant and happy! I would say he is a happy baby 93.5% of the time. Just don't put him down and don't even THINK of diverting your attention elsewhere.
He still has no teeth and isn't the least bit interested in anything resembling real food. He has reflux. He loves his bink and his Sophie the Giraffe teether. He smiles. He laughs. Big belly laughs. He is just starting to crawl...much to Jonas's dismay.

Speaking of Jonas, he has turned into what I can only describe as "the perfect kid". He is now creeping up on 4 and a half. He rarely throws a fit. He never talks back ( or rarely). He has such a vocabulary that random strangers comment on how well versed he is. He pretty much potty trained himself and we've never looked back. I can't believe I hit the jackpot on kids!

And as far as husbands go. Damn! I got me a good one! Todd sees the kids as his world and goes above and beyond to make sure they have a good life. Sometimes he goes a little too far and becomes a helicopter parent, but where he hovers too much he makes up for my backing off to let the kids try things themselves.

I am still working. I am now a Senior Residential Supervisor. I supervise 3 mental health programs in my county. I run a CRR, I run Independent Living Services, and I run a day program when the need arises. I am overworked, I am underpaid. I am in love with my job!

That is my update and I will be trying to post something every day. With pictures. Yeah!

Feelings

You know, I feel pretty good lately. I haven't stopped thinking about my miscarriage, and the hurt hasn't gone away in any way, shape or form. I have come to a realization that I WILL have another child, my next pregnancy WILL be successful, and our family will be complete. That being said, let me just tell ya, I love love LOVE to see Jonas playing with other children and he will be such a good big brother. I am really having trouble with the fact that we have to wait. At least 3 months. That is what my doctor said. He did say that we could try sooner, but as soon as he said that 3 month thing, that is all Todd heard and that is what he is going with. That puts us into August. Which will be nearly impossible to TTC, because Lucas will be here. So that puts us to September. And it won't happen right away, no matter what wish/want/think will happen. Sooo, I guess I am just depressed right now that I can't begin trying now. I am not seeing another pregnancy happening any time soon. And that is a bummer to me tonight.

I made it through Mother's Day!

I actually had a very nice and relaxing MD weekend. I enjoyed myself thoroughly with breakfast in bed Sunday morning and playing with Jonas, Todd and my mom at a park followed by lunch at the Purple Cow with ice cream for dessert.

Nothing to complain about. I am feeling sad, but grateful for what I have.

A day off, and it rains

Story of my life. I really didn't do much today. I started out having a pretty good morning and Jonas and I slept in ( 8 am, baby! ), and took our time getting around to go to daycare - which we call school. I love my daycare! They even have little classes and teach the kids with flashcards and they have a curriculum that they follow. They even have parent/teacher nights so you can conference with the teachers. Love. Them.

I did call my friend, who is pregnant and due in July. She is probably my best friend, and I know she wants to help me through this miscarriage, but I don't think she understands how hard it is right now to see pregnant women. Not just her, but ALL pregnant women. And why is it that they seem to be EVERYWHERE??? I talked to Melissa and we chatted for a few minutes, as she was at the lab doing her 1 hour glucose test. When she got back she gave me a call and I must have had my head in the washer, because I never heard the phone. I decided, upon listening to her message that she was going to be at home cleaning, that I would walk down to her place and deliver some diapers that I had bought for baby #2. That really kind of put me right back down to earth. Here I was giving my best friend the stash of diapers I had bought for my baby. I really needed to get rid of them, though. I was confronted with them every time I opened the closet door in Jonas' room, so I thought I would be okay with giving them away. After all, I am not going to need them for a good long time..if ever. She wasn't home, so I left them on the porch. She was very grateful, but I think she doesn't know what to say/do. No one does, really, and that is okay. Hell, I don't even know what to say to myself.

I do tell myself every single day that I need to get over my self imposed pity party. I do well for a while, and then I crash. Mother's day is coming, and we are spending Saturday with my in-laws and Sunday with my mom. I hope I can keep it together.

Today was not my day

And tomorrow isn't looking good either. I was doing so well yesterday. I was feeling pretty happy and in charge of my feelings. I got so much accomplished at work ( yet I have so much to do still ). I had fun with Jonas and Todd.

I went to work today and saw a friend. I don't know why, but I completely crashed. Burned. I held it together until lunch was over ( Thank you for my birthday lunch, Trudy! ). On the way home I guess I had too much time to think and that was the killer.

Tomorrow I have booked myself solid thinking that I will not have time to think about my miscarriage. In truth, I am already feeling completely and totally overwhelmed by the enormity of the day.

I will take Friday off.

Back to work

After a nice long weekend to recuperate and pull myself together, I went back to work today. I am so far behind in everything that I have to do! I am hoping that my boss will have pity on me and not expect perfection this month. Not that she ever gets anything close to perfection, but hey - I try dammit.

Soooo, Jonas is potty training! He has gotten so very good at telling us when he has to go! He has had so many accident free days that Todd is certainly regretting his choice to give little toy "guys" as we call them for prizes. We have decided to move to the sticker reward system. Get X number of stickers in a day for potty time, and redeem them at the end of the day for a special treat - a guy, a glow stick for bedtime play or a special piece of candy. I have a feeling that we are going to spend the weekend setting up some sort or elaborate poster-board system. I personally think that this is a GREAT idea, as we can transition it into a chore board later in childhood. Right now I am smiling at the thought of dishes being someone else's responsibility. Not necessarily Jonas' responsibility, but not mine either. Do you think Todd would work with the sticker chore board system? I mean, if he got a prize good enough...a new game...a night without nagging...oh, who am I kidding. I can't do that one. I think it is impossible.

Anyway, I have decided that blogging, while boring to my readers, if I have any, is cathartic to me.

A kick to the gut

April 30th was my 33rd birthday. You know what I did on my birthday? I spent it in the ER getting told by a very insensitive doctor that I was no longer pregnant. Wow. That hurt. You would think that if a pregnant woman comes into the ER on her freaking birthday - or ANY day for that matter - you would have some kind of grace to let her down gently.

Here's how it went down: I was having a great birthday and that evening I decided to give Jonas his shower so Todd could get some down time. I went to the bathroom and there was a little spotting on my underwear. No big deal, people spot during pregnancy all the time. You only have to worry if it is bright red. So, I wipe. Bright red. This is not good. I yell for Todd and try the nurse line number that my insurance has. All lines are busy so I pack up and tell Todd to hang with Jonas and I am going to the ER. I get to the ER and the nice admissions lady is having a conversation with her nurse friend and CANNOT see me right away. I am out there in the waiting room hopping up and down trying to relay how important it is that I get in there RIGHT NOW!! Finally she finishes and gives me a look like death. I give her my information and she slaps a bracelet on my wrist and tells me to have a seat and that someone will be with me shortly. I am seen shortly thereafter, and get my information taken by a very kind ( and pregnant) nurse. My blood pressure is sky high. Geez, ya think? Then a doctor comes in and his words to me after he introduced himself. "So, you were pregnant." I say "Were? I hope I still am." And to this he says "Well, I really don't want to get your hopes up." Wow. Just wow. What a great bedside manner. If I hadn't been so worried and shocked by everything that was happening I would have torn into him.

It turns out that I had a blighted ovum, which essentially means that the egg implanted, but there was something wrong genetically and it wouldn't hold. So, I had a miscarriage. Even knowing that the egg never developed into anything just doesn't make this any easier. I feel like my life has been torn apart. Completely. I have never known this kind of emotional pain. I can barely function every day, but I feel like I have to cover it because I can't let Todd know how incapacitated I feel. I know he is hurting, too, and is being the strong one for us. I feel so selfish moping around, so I am giving myself one more day to do this self pity business, and then am going to chin up, and cover up. I can fake it til I feel it, dammit.

A new year and new possibilities

Okay, so it's been ages since I have written anything on here. I fully intend to rectify that with something pity and insightful. Yeah, anytime now. Wait for it...hmmm....

How about I give an update on what is happening with the family? I think the last time I wrote was sometime in August of 08 and now here we are in April 09. Lots of things have happened:

1. My Little Jonas has turned 2. It seems like just yesterday I was getting up every 2 hours in a zombie like haze for feeding and changing!

2. My best friend got pregnant a month after she went off birth control, thus signalling in me a type of baby fever that I have never felt before.

3. Christmas came and went and all was well. In between numbers 1 and 2 on this list, I somehow managed to get a promotion in this horrible job market that put me at a 9 - 5 time slot and a salary position. Not too shabby!

4. New Year's came and went and all was well.

5. Valentine's day came and went and all was well.

6. St. Patrick's day came and went and all was well.

7. Easter came and went and...what the hell? I'm PREGNANT???

That's right! I got a positive pregnancy test on Friday April 10, 2009. I was so excited that I ran out with Melissa and get the required "I'm a big brother" shirt. When Todd got home I said "look at this great shirt I picked up for Jonas today!" He looked at it and said that it was very nice...and then it dawned on him! Great look on his face. I showed him the 2 positive tests I took and he got really quiet and said that until the doctor confirms it he didn't want to tell anyone. I was in shock! I mean, we were going to see the ENTIRE family that weekend and he didn't want to TELL ANYONE???? REALLY????

So, I went along with it because we were pretty sure a while back that I was pregnant and it turned out to be not so true, and he was crushed. Absolutely crushed. I understood his need to wait. So, meanwhile, we go to visit family and I did another test with a much MUCH darker line and showed him. This was convincing enough to have him tell his family right then and there. I told my family Easter Sunday. Everyone was shocked! No one even knew we were trying.

So, fast forward a few weeks. I am now 5 weeks pregnant and feeling great! Doctor's office is supposed to be calling at any moment to schedule the first ultrasound and I just can't wait! I would love if they would schedule it for the 30th - which will be my 33rd birthday. What better present than hearing the beating of my new baby's heart?

I am going to have to find some kind of anti-anxiety pill

Okay, so Todd has decided to rearrange the furniture in the living room. It looks just awful and I am having some major control issues over it. I really don't like it and want to do it my way, but it means so much to him to get to do this. He has everything smack up against the wall - even the coffee table. I am trying to not go nuts, but this is getting out of hand. He sees everything as a hazard to Jonas' safety. "We can't put the chair cattycorner to the wall, Heather. Jonas could crawl up the chair and up the back of it and fall down over the back and smash his head open." Mind you, he has never crawled over the back of ANYTHING in his life, nor has he ever EXPRESSED an interest in crawling over the back of anything. "No, Heather, we can't put a light by the chair you want to use as reading that we can't put cattycorner to the wall, because that would involve an extension cord being run behind the chair and behind the coffee table (that is already plastered against the wall) and into a surge protector." " What's that? You would like a stand next to the chair that we can't put cattycorner to the wall because Jonas could possibly go ass over tincups backwards on and that you can't have a light next to because it involves plugging in an extension cord to a surge protector? Sorry, no dice because it will have to go FLUSH AGAINST THE WALL and you won't be able to effectively use it anyway."

ARRRRGH! I am going to go insane. That is all. I need to find some happy pills.

I learned something new about myself today

I don't really know if it is something NEW, really, just something that I never really thought about before.

Todd and I had gone to the store and picked up something for dinner tonight. Spaghetti with salad. Easy enough, right? So, we get home and Jonas wants to take a walk on the dike and Todd does the honors. Yay! I can actually come in the house and pee without a toddler keeping me company. This is the single best thing ever. If you are a mom you will completely agree with me. Having done my bathroom business, I go to the kitchen and begin the dinner preparations. Well, I TRY to begin dinner prep only to see that Todd has done exactly 9 out of about 30 dishes in the sink from last nights Chicken curry dinner. You see, what he does is washes the biggest things and loads up the dish rack and wanders away. I am sure he fully intends to come back and do another round. He always gets sidetracked and never finishes. And I am stuck with not only last nights dishes and leftover noodles that have cemented themselves in the colander - but ice cold murky dishwater that he never emptied from the sink. LOVELY, I think to myself with a sigh. So, I begin the dishes and am simultaneously trying to brown the turkey, boil the water for spaghetti, make up the salad and keep a toddler occupied - they have since come inside and Todd has sequestered himself at the computer on Myspace...and then he takes his 35 books into the bathroom for what can only be considered a marathon training session of some sort. Anyway, I am getting more and more steamed because I am cooking, cleaning and having attention demanded from a nearly 2 year old. Todd finally emerged ( triumphant) from the bathroom after he hears me trying to do everything at once. I don't know how he could have possibly missed this on his way into the bathroom, but I guess when nature calls for a guy, you can't concentrate on anything else. I tried to kindly tell him that I would really REALLY appreciate it if he did more than 9 dishes in a sitting. He seemed to listen. I then went to strain the noodles from the boiling water and neglected to notice that the plug was still in the sink. Well, I emptied that water/noodle jumble into the colander and the water just swirled up and around the colander and SAT there. Mmmm...soapy slimy pasta for dinner everyone! Come and get it! Woo!

At this point I was kind of staring into the sink when Mr. Helpful himself comes over and looks in and sighs "Why didn't you just strain the noodles the way I do?" ( He does this thing where he puts the colander inside the pot 'o boiling water and strains it that way - I am sure that isn't safe). I looked at him and gaped a bit like a fish. I weakly claimed that we could rinse the noodles, knowing that neither one of us would eat and we certainly wouldn't want to feed it to Jonas. I quick looked and found more noodles to cook, to which Todd morosely asked if there would be enough for his lunch tomorrow. I assured him there would be and dinner was back on track...until I peeled the cucumber and it flew out of my hand and smack into the trash can. I decided that I was just not meant to have a good night and snuffled a bit about my self imposed pity party.

I got dinner on the table after Todd told me to snap out of it. He then proceeded to ask what had been bothering me lately because I have been getting in a progressively worse mood for a while now. I hadn't realized that I had been in a bad mood, so I said that nothing has been bothering me and asked what he meant. He said that I have been complaining non stop. About people that I work with, about everything, really. He said that I jump on anything I perceive as getting shorted on, too. Wow. Talk about a sting. So, I sat there and thought. I guess I rally am negative about the people I work with or know. My one friend is constantly calling me to whine about something or other and is never happy with anything EVER, it seems. I guess it has really rubbed off on me and I need to find a way to turn this around, because I certainly don't want to be THAT person, know what I mean? So, I guess I am going to have to stuff that negativity down inside somewhere and let my happy person out. The biggest problem I am having with this is, I thought I WAS that happy person. The person with the sunshiny attitude, that positive go getter. I had this view of myself that was apparently completely and utterly wrong. It hurts when you find out that you have worked so hard to be something and thought you were successful at it only to learn that you suck big time. So, here's to a new and happy person. Let's hope!

So, a blog

So, tonight I decided to try my hand at this thing called blogging. I tried once or twice before on Myspace, but really didn't follow through since I didn't see myself as being as witty or creative as the other's I have read.

To start, this will be a space to post my about my work, family and overall life. I don't even know where to start except to say that I have a wonderful husband (Todd) wonderful little boy (Jonas), who is turning 2 sooner than I would like, and 2 cats (Hyden and Strauss). I work in the mental health field as a Residential Program Supervisor, as well as assorted other programs within the company. I guess that is enough for tonight.